Chapter 1

1. Joshua:

“Lee, honey, time for school,” Lee’s mother called him one morning in October.

Sometimes school is an escape. “Coming mam,” Lee said as he got out of bed.

I am a quiet guy. People generally don’t bother me, except when they are being bullies. Mam and dad are fighting even more than normal these days. Mam is just so sick of dad’s drinking habits. To be honest, because of all the fighting even I am getting sick of dad. I wish he could compromise a little. Mam has had to give up so much from her, more grandiose, previous lifestyle. Dad could be understanding and have two less drinks some week so she could get her nails done, or a facial, or whatever it is old women do. The reason it is so tough lately is that dad got let go from his second job. Mam and I both know that he will walk into another one really easily. He is very well educated after all. We don’t know why he lost this one though. The last place he worked was sold and they sought voluntary redundancies. Dad took one because the pay out was massive. This time, though, the company he is working for isn’t closing down, changing hands or even seeking voluntary redundancies; mam and I are baffled as to why he was let go. He has one of the best minds of his generation.

Anyway, I digress, the reason I enjoy school so much at the moment is that there is much less fighting there than there is here. With mam and dad always arguing, and dad at home more than he has every been before, it is a welcome break to have a few hours without all the shouting in school.

“Hey,” a boy Lee didn’t recognise said to him as he sat next to him in math class.

“Hi,” Lee replied out of politeness.

Lee didn’t want anyone sitting beside him and it was unusual for someone to do so. Lee normally sat by himself in most of his classes, except one or two when Drew sat beside him. Drew wasn’t in Lee’s math class though, and so Lee was used to sitting alone.

“I’m Joshua,” the other boy said, “I’m new here.”

“Dude,” Lee looked at him incredulously, “it is mid October. We are all new here.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true. Anyway who are you?” Joshua asked Lee.

“I’m Lee,” Lee replied, “Lee Kennedy.”

“It’s nice to meet you Lee,” Joshua said.

“You too,” Lee lied.

“I like your watch,” Joshua said pointing to Lee’s watch.

“It was my grandfather’s,” Lee said as he looked at it himself. Lee smiled, unbeknownst to himself.

Joshua noticed the smile, “has he passed on?” he asked.

“Hmm?” Lee looked at the other boy, being dragged out of his reminiscing.

“Your grandfather?” Joshua reiterated, “did he die?”

“Yeah,” Lee confided.

“Were you close?”

“Not really, but I look back on him with fond memories. The grandfather that gave me this watch, he was my mam’s father. He was a kind man, as I remember him. He dealt with a lot in his life. No wars or anything, not like his own father would have had to deal with, but still a lot. My mam was a bit of a feminist and got herself into some bad stuff with the wrong set of people. Granddad helped her get away from those people and out of those situations. To me, in my life, he always had a kind word to say. He had a warm smile and love that was truly evident in his actions. That was something he always told me was important. He said that there was no point saying to someone that you love them if you can’t show that love as well. One of the things I remember him saying most was ‘if a picture is worth a thousand words, a good deed is worth a million.’ He never turned old, like some people do. He was always young and his mind was always sharp. Even though he had gotten a lot fatter than when he was a child, and a lot greyer too, he never seemed old. Wise, definitely, but never old. He used to talk to me like he was my age; something my parents never did. He used to play games with me as if he were my age as well. He would chase me around his little house and his little garden and he would teach me words to use in Scrabble and help me to beat mam when we played. Sometimes I miss him a lot, other times I know he is in a better place and that’s enough for me.” Lee said with a tear in his eye.

“How did he die?” Joshua asked.

“He was in his garden digging up some weeds one day when he had a stroke. He survived the stroke and it had very little affect on him. Mrs Headerton, his neighbour, saw him fall over and went to see if he was okay. She was able to call an ambulance on his cordless landline phone as soon as she saw him and he got to the hospital before any major damage was done. He made a full recovery,” Lee told the story, more tears fell, “we thought he would be fine. He was too, for a little while. He kept playing games and loving us, and giving his advice. All the things he did before the stroke. It was one month after he was released from hospital, my dad’s birthday, that he had an aneurism and died instantly.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” Joshua said and placed a comforting hand on Lee’s shoulder.

“He was alone Joshua. We were all preparing for a party for my dad and no one knew he was dying. It was only when he was four hours late, missed dinner and everything, that people began to notice he wasn’t there. I still feel sick at the thought of it. We all partied and didn’t realise that he wasn’t with us. I was only eight at the time but I still feel like I should have realised he was missing from the group. I didn’t though. None of us did. To be fair to most of the people there he was not part of their family. They were from dad’s side and so wouldn’t have even been aware of the fact that granddad planned to come. Dad, mam and I knew though, we had been with him the day before. We should have realised. Dad thought that he was probably just too weak and tired after going through so much so recently and so didn’t think to say anything. It’s so sad. He died alone. We should have been with him.”

“There was nothing you could have done,” Joshua said, “even if you were all with him the only thing you would be able to do is watch him fall to the ground and the life swiftly drain from his eyes. It would have been a horrible experience. Probably for the best that you weren’t with him.”

“Thanks Joshua.”

“No problem. Lee, I know for a fact that your grandfather is somewhere better and that even though he loved being here with you and your family he is much happier where he is now. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss you, or that you should stop missing him, but he is in a good place. I’ve heard it said that those who pass away are never truly gone: those who love them, and have memories of them hidden in their hearts, like you do of your grandfather, keep them living on. The memories those people have make it as if the person hasn’t gone anywhere. Your grandfather’s words were really wise as well. He told you to show your love by actions. It takes people a lifetime to realise that the best way to love is to love with actions and not just words.

“You see people think love is a feeling, but Lee it is so much more. Love is a choice and love is an action. Your grandfather hit the nail on the head all those times he told you to love with your actions. Remember those words. They will serve you well in your life, your relationships, your marriage and your work life. Loving is so important and I am so grateful you shared that story with me. I will treasure it and the words of your grandfather as you do. He is a very wise man indeed.”

Lee sat looking at Joshua with a sense of wonder; “thank you Joshua,” he eventually managed through tears. The tears were not ones of sadness, as was usual when Lee thought of his grandfather, but ones of joy; the joy that his grandfather left in his heart through his kindness and wisdom.

Just then the bell rang, and the math class ended. Joshua and Lee left the classroom and Joshua began to turn left. Lee was going right.

“You aren’t going to Mr Sexton’s English?” Lee asked Joshua.

“Unfortunately not, I have Ms Ryan, she is a good teacher though, I like her style.” Joshua said as he turned back to Lee.

“Thanks,” Lee said to him.

“You’re welcome,” Joshua said and smiled, “Look after yourself,” he added, placing a hand on Lee’s shoulder again.

“Ah… you too?” Lee reiterated the strange sentiment, “see you tomorrow in maths?”

“You will indeed,” Joshua said and removed his hand, then turned to walk towards Ms Ryan’s classroom.

14^th of October 2016.

I promised I would check back if anything interesting happened in my life. Let it never be said that I am not a man that is true to his word. I met a really interesting young man today. His name is Joshua and he sat next to me in math class. He looked a lot more unique than people in the school normally do. We all wear the same uniform. It consists of black trousers and a grey jumper with the school crest on it and a green, black and white trim around the neck, wrists and waist. We wear green shirts underneath this and a tie that has the same colours as the trim; each colour stands for something but I don’t remember what exactly.

Joshua was different though, even in the same uniform as everyone else. He has long, brown hair. This is unusual because the policy for hair in the school is short. He also had blue eyes. They are very deep. I don’t know much about eyes but granddad used to say that they are ‘a window to the soul’. If that is true then I think Joshua’s soul is very old. His eyes are a deep blue, and they have a lot of kindness in them, but, and I am no eye expert, as I’ve already said, but I get the impression they have seen a lot: a lot of pain, hurt, misery and also a lot of good, love and kindness. They also seemed to be looking right into my soul, which was very strange for me. It was strange because I am so quiet, and so people barely notice me. To be noticed like Joshua noticed me, like he really noticed me, was very strange for me.

Also he said things. He has a kind and gentle way about saying them but he definitely said some interesting things. One thing that struck me a lot was what he said about where my grandfather is. He said that he was sure that he was in a better place. The thing about it is that it’s as impossible as anything to know whether someone, when they die, is in the best place or not. He said it with such conviction though. Joshua said granddad was in a better place as if he knew, as if he had seen that better place. I hope he isn’t some religious nut, into God and all that weird stuff. I am one hundred and ninety-four per cent sure that God isn’t real. If there was a God, and if he is good, like all the religions say, then why does he allow so much pain in the world? I don’t understand how there can be earthquakes, twisters, tsunamis, volcano eruptions; rape, genocide, murder, theft and the list could go on and on. If there is a good God then why would he allow all of that trouble to the people he supposedly created and loves?

Sorry, I keep going off my topic lately, it’s because I don’t write in this diary much and so, when I do, I have a lot to say. It’s annoying really because I find my thoughts are hard to gather sometimes and so when I write I write a blur of information. Where was I before I was talking about God? Joshua.

I really hope that he isn’t some religious nut job. He is a very nice guy though. I like him a lot. He is kind and caring and I think he and I could be good friends. I wonder where he comes from. He said he was new in the school. Did he transfer from another school? It seems really early in the year for him to have done that, though, doesn’t it? Who goes to a school only to move schools almost as soon afterwards? Maybe he was there all the time? I feel like I would have seen him around if he were in the school before today, hair like that doesn’t go unseen in a school like mine. I don’t know if it really matters if he was there before now or not. What matters is that he is there now and he seems to care about me. I do hope he isn’t some religious nut though.

“Hey Joshua,” Lee said the next day as he saw him sitting on the chair beside his in math class, “how are you?”

“I’m good,” Joshua said as he patted the seat beside him, “sit here?”

“Of course,” Lee said and took the seat.

As the teacher began to set questions and do some examples on the whiteboard Lee turned to Joshua and asked him, “are you religious?”

“Sorry?” Joshua said and looked at his new friend, he clearly hadn’t heard what he had been asked.

“Are you religious?” Lee repeated the question.

“Not in the slightest,” Joshua answered, “I detest religion, it turns my stomach and makes me feel sick. The fact that so many people have died in the name of this thing, and many more will kill in the name of it. I think those that profess to be religious leaders need to be the most careful of all. There are some good, genuine people in these positions; but there are also some who put burdens on people and cause them to do things that they do not need to do, nor should do.”

“I understand,” Lee said, “do you like any religion?”

“As I have said I’m not a fan of it. It is hypocrisy and it makes me very sad. Religion is about rules bringing you to God but I don’t think God is like that. I don’t think He wants you to follow a set of particular rules and then ‘shazam’ you’re okay. I think he is more interested in relationships you know: us with Him and us with each other.”

“Do you believe in a Higher Power than yourself?” Lee asked.

“There is always something that is a higher power than you Lee,” Joshua said, “at your stage in life, in a small town, in a small country we are pretty powerless.”

“What I mean is do you believe in a God that is more powerful than you are and can decide your fate?” Lee clarified.

Joshua thought about this for a minute, “no,” he finally answered, that is not something I believe in.

“Good,” Lee sighed.

“Why good?” Joshua asked him.

“Well,” Lee opened up to this new kid with the long hair and the deep blue, knowing eyes again, “when you said yesterday that my grandfather was in a better place you said it with such conviction that I thought you must be some sort of religious weirdo that believed in God and Heaven and the Afterlife and all that stuff.”

“I do believe that, and I am sure that, a man with the convictions your grandfather had, is in heaven.”

“I guess it’s a nice idea isn’t it?” Lee said in a dream-like voice.

“What is?” Joshua asked.

“Heaven and a God that loves us,” Lee said.

“You have no idea,” Joshua replied and smiled to himself.

*          *         *          *          *

“Hey mam,” Lee said as he got home from school that day. He was in high spirits because he had discovered that Joshua was not some religious nut, as he had feared the boy was, and that he thought a lot of the same things as Lee did about religion, religious leaders and the hypocrisy of it all.

“Hi honey,” Lee’s mam said, knowing that he was at the front door, but unable to see him, “can you go to your room please?”

“What?” Lee asked, “what did I do?”

“Nothing honey, I just need you to go to your room,” Mrs Kennedy said.

“Why?” Lee asked as he moved from the front door towards the kitchen.

“Can you please just go to your room?” Maeve shouted.

Lee kept walking towards the kitchen. He was worried about what he would find and why his mam wanted him to stay away.

The door was ajar but not open. Lee pushed his way into the room and saw his mother and father. They were both looking out at him. Lee’s mother had a cut on the right side of her face, there was a small line of blood dripping from the centre of the gash. Lee’s father had a knife in his hand, one Lee had only ever seen him use for carving the Sunday roasts.

“What happened?” Lee asked as he moved his hands in front of his body, in the direction of his father, palms facing outwards.

“Now look what you did,” Lee’s father said, “our boy is scared of me and is standing defensively in the corner of the kitchen eying me with suspicion.”

“Lee honey,” Maeve said, “it’s okay. Your dad was just helping me with the dinner when I turned around, and he turned around too fast and he was holding the knife up the air and then, silly me, I turned right into it.”

“You did?” Lee asked, looking at his mother in disbelief, “that sounds like an almost impossible situation to get yourself into mam.”

“You heard your mother, she told you what happened. Now get her a bandage,” Michael Kennedy said, still holding the knife in a tight fist.

“How about you put down the knife first dad?” Lee said to him, hands still between his body and his father.

Michael looked at the knife and it was as if he just realised it was there. His eyes widened and he dropped the knife to the floor. Whatever Maeve had been holding in she let it out in a deep breath as the knife hit the floor.

“Why didn’t you want me to come in, if that’s all that happened?” Lee asked, eyeing both his parents suspiciously now.

“We didn’t want you to jump to the conclusion you are, right now, jumping to,” his father said.

“If mam was truly hurt by accident,” Lee began, “when you heard my voice as I came in the door you wouldn’t have freaked out and told me to stay away, you would have asked me to get the band aids from the medicine cabinet to dress the cut.”

“Are you saying I did this on purpose?” Michael asked, his fist clenching up again.

“No, no, he isn’t saying that at all are you dear?” Mrs Kennedy pleaded and looked to her son.

Lee saw the look in her eyes and knew that she was scared of what Michael would do if he said anything to make him more angry.

“Of course not,” Lee said, “I’m just being suspicious when there is no need for it. You know us teenagers. I’ll be in my room, studying, or playing video games, or doing something us teenagers do. I’ll see you both at dinner.”

He emphasised the both and left; my dad is abusing my mam, was all he could think.

Lee didn’t know what to do. He knew that if had been abused by his dad there was a number to call, but what do you do when it’s your mam being abused by your dad. There is no number for that. So he did all he could do. He tried to drown out the shouting by playing loud shooter video games, he took his anger out on the virtual reality bad guys and made sure every single one of them was dead. It was the best he could do to keep himself from going mad. He had no more math classes during the week and so he had to suffer on without Joshua, who, outside of math classes, appeared to be a very elusive guy altogether, it was as if he didn’t exist at all.

Joshua seemed to have gone largely unnoticed in the school. People didn’t recognise the name when Lee asked others in his year about him. Joshua seemed to be making no friends in the school whatsoever and this made Lee a little sad, because Lee knew that if someone talked to Joshua they would see how nice a guy he was.

It wouldn’t have been long, only four days, until Lee had another maths class in which he could see Joshua. He was excited as the day came around, people thought it was really strange because Lee never liked maths class and now he was talking about going to it like his life depended on it.

“Everyone knows we won’t use maths in real life,” Drew said to Lee once he had gotten sick of him being so excited about maths.

Lee didn’t answer, he waited for Drew to think about what he had said by himself.

“Except for shops and paying for things and stuff,” Drew finally added, “why are you so hyped up about going to Maths class?”

“I’m not ‘hyped up’,” Lee replied, “it’s just that in maths I get to talk and think about things more than I do elsewhere.”

“That’s weird man, just saying… in maths I feel like I might be going insane.”

It turned out that Lee didn’t have to wait until the maths class after lunch break that day to talk to Joshua because Joshua walked right up to him in the corridor. It was the first time Lee had seen Joshua outside of the maths class and he was comforted in knowing that, unlike Drew, he wasn’t actually going insane in his maths class and having hallucinations of people who aren’t really there at all.

“Hey Lee, can we go for a walk?” Joshua asked as he approached Lee and Drew.

“Sure,” Lee said, “what’s up?” he asked.

“I saw you earlier and I thought something was making you upset. It looked serious enough that I didn’t want to wait until maths class,” Joshua explained.

“Thanks Joshua,” Lee said, “I found out some horrible news last week. Let’s talk as we walk.”

“What was it?” Joshua asked as the two of them left Drew standing watching after Lee looking a little hurt and confused that he would just walk away from him without any explanation.

“My dad, he was, I think he was, threatening my mother with a knife, I think he cut her across the face with it,” Lee explained when they were out of Drew’s earshot.

“Are you sure?” Joshua asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” Lee said sounding less sure of himself with each sentence.

“Tell me what happened?” Joshua asked.

“I got home and I called for my mam as I came in,” Lee began as he pictured the scene, “she told me to go to my room and not come into the kitchen where she was. My dad didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure if he was even home at the time. I remember thinking about asking mam if he was or not but I didn’t.”

“Why not?” Joshua asked.

“There was something in my mam’s voice; something I haven’t heard before. She sounded panicked and under a lot of stress and I couldn’t understand why she sounded so hysterical. If she hadn’t sounded so hysterical I would probably have gone to my room. Well, no, I wouldn’t have because my mam wouldn’t unreasonably ask me to go to my room so if she did it would mean that something was wrong.

“I knew something was wrong. What kind of son would I be if I didn’t realise something was wrong with my own mother? So I insisted on not going to my room, pointing out I did nothing wrong and that I didn’t deserve to be sent to my room without, at least, an explanation of why I was being sent to my room.”

“That makes sense,” Joshua agreed.

“Anyway,” Lee nodded in thanks to Joshua for his support, “We spoke back and forth for a little bit until I eventually decided I had to go and see what was up and what was wrong with my mam.”

“What did you find?” Joshua asked.

“When I got to the kitchen door it was closed, which is unusual as the kitchen is normally so warm that my mam leaves the door open as she isn’t that much of a fan of the heat, you know?”

Joshua nodded, “did you open the door?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Lee continued, “and inside the kitchen there was my father and my mother.”

“Were they both okay?” Joshua asked a probing question to get his friend to open up more.

“Both of them were very clearly distressed. My mam was looking towards me at the door to the kitchen with a hint of panic in her eyes. Dad, on the other hand, looked more angry than distressed. This was added to by the fact that he had a knife in his hand.”

“A knife?” Joshua exclaimed.

“Yeah, when I looked at my mam again I noticed that she had a knife gash across her face. She was bleeding from the centre of the gash, with some red running down her face and onto the jumper she was wearing.”

“Did your dad…?” Joshua began.

“Mam says that she and he were preparing dinner together. My dad never helps her with dinner, normally he only shouts at her looking for it faster than she can possibly make it. So I knew dad wasn’t helping mam with the cooking. Mam said she turned around and dad was holding up the knife and whatever way she turned she put her face right into the knife causing the gash. That sounds so farfetched I knew straight away that it was a lie. I confronted dad about it, he was already angry because I had taken a defensive position towards him on seeing the knife in his hand, who got more angry with my mam and also with me, asking me what I was accusing him of and everything. I remember my mam giving me the eye, you know, the one that says ‘stop please’? Well I caught it and I knew what she was saying and so I stopped and told dad that I was being a silly teenager and letting my imagination run wild with me and then left them to it.

“That was a few days ago and either it was a once off occurrence or my parents have gotten better at hiding their disputes from me. Mam has no more visible cuts or bruising appearing on her and so I was thinking that maybe it actually was an accident and dad didn’t try and hurt her. It’s so upsetting to think that my dad could be physically harming my mam though,” Lee said sadly, “what can I do if she actually is being hurt by him?”

“You have to get her to realise that what your dad is doing is not right and then she can stand up to him and walk away,” Joshua said.

“Walk away?” Lee exclaimed, “it’s probably not that bad.”

“Maybe not, but maybe it is that serious,” Joshua said sadly.

“I guess I’ve never heard of a couple where abuse was ripe staying together,” Lee admitted, “which probably means that they will split up.”

“That’s if it really is abuse and wasn’t an accident,” Joshua supplied.

“I’m fairly sure it is though Joshua, I don’t want to believe it but I’m not sure if I have any option but to believe it because I have thought before that my dad has been verbally and mentally abusive towards my mam but I never thought it would become a physical thing. I still don’t want to believe that it has happened. This is my mam and dad you know? They are both very important to me and I need them both. Dad has had such a hard time with losing his job and working in a crap job and now losing that as well and I know I can’t make excuses for that kind of carry on, nor am I trying to, I just… they are my parents,” Lee was almost in tears.

“I know,” Joshua said giving Lee a hug, “you don’t have to be alone in this though,” Joshua comforted.

“That’s the other thing I was thinking,” Lee said, “I know that if something happened to me I could phone childline and they would look into it but my mam is not a child and so how can I phone childline? If I don’t phone childline who will I phone? Can I phone anyone? Can I do anything? Am I helpless in this situation or can I help my mam in any way at all?”

“I honestly don’t know,” Joshua said, “do you mind if I talk to my father about it?” he asked Lee.

“Why?” Lee asked.

“He might know what to do better than we would. From what I remember I have heard that only the person being abused can bring forward an allegation of abuse against someone else, in terms of domestic violence. So you can’t do it only your mum can and if she doesn’t then there will be nothing done about it.”

“So what do I do?” Lee asked.

“I think the best thing you can do is talk to your mum,” Joshua began, “try and get her to open up to you, or even a friend of hers about what has been happening. Make sure that the person she opens up to, if it isn’t you, is a person who will not dismiss what she is saying because they think they know your dad better and that he would never do that. If your mum hears something like that she begin to internalise it all and think that, even if she did tell anyone, as she has seen in the reaction of the friend that also knows your dad quite well, no one will believe her. You have to keep this from happening, if you can. It may have already happened. In that case you need to stress that you do believe your mother when she tells you what has been going on, or the person she opens up has to. This will give her a sense of security and protection meaning that she will be able to open up and hopefully she will actually do something towards sorting out the problem by talking to your father or seeking legal help.”

“Thanks Joshua,” Lee said, “I’ll try talking to her tonight and she if I can get anywhere with her myself before trying to get my aunt, her sister, to talk to her. She has never been fond of my dad so wouldn’t be the kind of person not to believe mam if she opened up to her about the abuse I think is going on.”

“Lee,” Joshua called as he began to walk away.

“Yeah?” Lee asked turning back to his friend and support.

“This is my mobile number,” Joshua said holding out a piece of paper to Lee with a nine digit code on it.

“Ah… thanks,” Lee said as he took the piece of paper and put it in his shirt pocket, tucked under his jumper.

“It’s for if you need to contact me outside of school times,” Joshua explained, “like I said awhile ago: you aren’t in this alone. I’m here for you and I will talk to my dad about it tonight and see if we can do anything else to help.”

“Thanks Joshua,” Lee said and hugged him again.

“Anything to help a friend man,” Joshua said.

Then the bell rang.